A CHANGED WOMAN
I am a changed woman. After reaching compassion for Oscar, myself and the would-be-hackers (the subject of my blog of October 28) I feel different…more clear…more present. Let me explain.
A few days after this incident, getting off the F train at the Broadway/Lafayette station, walking along Houston, left on Broadway and right to Prince, I made my way easily to the Apple store to replace my wireless mouse. I’ve made this trip before, yet this time it seemed different. My spatial sense was further developed.
As I walked by the many, interesting people, it would be too strong to say that I walked into Technicolor as Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz”, but the route was lucid, and I was very much part of it. I believe that the clarity in me was reflected outside of me. I was connected to the energy around me…The experience was more real.
How do I make explain this to myself and to my readers? I let go of an habitual response (psychologists would call it a defense) and its associated emotion when I let go of the meaning of the DEADLINE. In letting go, I changed the software in my major computer – MY MIND, and its constituents in my BODY. To understand the intricate communication between mind and body, I highly recommend Dr. Candace Pert’s book, “Molecules of Emotion”(Scribner, 1997). In her over 250 articles on neuropeptides (which make up amino acids) she and her teams describe the emotion-led communication which courses through the body. These various peptides are found traveling through virtually every network of our wonderful, bodily system.
Let’s get back to my habitual response: my fear of missing the deadline to post my blog on Monday, October 21st, and for that matter, missing a deadline in general. This attitude somehow upheld a notion of reliability and integrity; a rigid stance which I seldom compromised. The deadline, for me, became etched in stone. I lost part of my emotional spontaneity -- my range of motion -- because the end justified the means. Before thinking this situation through, and changing my response to it, I wanted Oscar to make a house call late Monday night, without regard for his ‘not feeling well’ so that he would support the way I saw myself. Hidden beneath the rigidity, lay what I did not wish to acknowledge – vulnerabilities which have their tap root in ‘I won’t be loved!’
There was a human cost to my enforcing a ‘deadline,’ because the deadline became more important than the people involved in the project -- an example of valuing things before people.
Letting go of this outdated habitual response, I feel more receptive. Life is more spontaneous and nuanced. I will continue to honor my commitments because I value them. Yet a change has come over me, allowing me to go forward with my goals while maintaining a degree of flexibility.
There is a metaphor which is apt: being supple enough to bend, rather than break, with the winds of change. (In this case, my being faced with a spiritual challenge) When we bend, we conserve energy, and go with the flow of the prevailing current. This gives us time to re-evaluate our values and beliefs, devising our appropriate comeback.
Fear has lifted…I am lithe as I dance with this new freedom…
Until next week, and the next challenge…